Last night in the sticks was the most violent one of my entire Uber “career”.

It was super slow until most bars closed, then suddenly all competition went offline, leaving me the only driver in a 20 mile radius from our small city. I understand why they all noped TF out: night bars had a BOGO deal on beer, which resulted in more obnoxious drunks than I ever saw on St. Paddy’s. Also a lot of brand new 5-star accounts (not for long), as locals finally realized that there’s an Uber in town, and it’s magnitudes cheaper than cab… Anyhow, I wanted to tell you about the hulks.

Hulk 1 comes to my car. He’s mildly drunk, about 6’10” and weighs over 250 pounds. He confirms my name and tells me that 2 of his buddies are paying the tab and will be joining him shortly, then takes a seat. A minute later his buddies come out. They are even bigger than Hulk 1 and much drunker. No big deal, still within my “drunkenness tolerance” threshold.

Then, all of a sudden, they get attacked by a group of about 20 other drunks that were smoking/schmoozing outside the bar. In a few seconds it accelerated from insults to “shirts come off” to blood splatters on a pavement. Hulk 2 got knocked out pretty fast, Hulk 1 jumped into action, and let me tell ya… It was the scariest street fight I ever seen, and I’ve seen plenty.

I worked this bar every day, and it always was a pretty mild crowd… But not this time obviously. Also I noticed that a bar up the street (a really bad one) had zero police presence for the first time ever, while it always had 2-3 cop cars posted in the past. A long and narrow one way street, I’m locked by cars behind me, and there’s a huge brawl in front of me.

In a perfect world I should’ve locked myself in, called 911 and prayed. But it’s not a perfect world, and not even remotely a perfect me. So I did something really, really stupid; don’t try at home. I hopped out and joined the fun.

  • Pulled Hulk 1 from the fight (holy shit, my nose was at his solar plexus level when standing upright!), told him to pick up Hulk 2, clean him up and put him in a back seat.
  • Broke the fight between Hulk 3 (the most violent one) and 4 of his opponents (scary AF, he tossed one of his opponents at least 10 yards as I was approaching)
  • Using my best drill sergeant’s voice, barked an order to get in a fucking Uber, NOW!

It worked. Holy shit, it worked! And the crowd seemed to be relieved by sudden disappearance of hulks, so they let my car through without any incidents.

It was a 15 minute ride; most of the way it was a litany of racial slurs from Hulk 3, Hulk 2 yelling that he wants to get a gun and come back, and Hulk 1 making remarks like “watch your language, don’t offend the driver!”

Then, about 2/3 into the ride, I made a remark – “Do you guys realize that I just saved your asses from spending the night in jail?”… And they went silent for the rest of the way.

And they tipped $100 in cash. Each.

PS: Was it worth it? Hell no. 10/10 would not recommend.