Dewy much?

Well well well, just look at this cute dew! What makes it so special? Well, firstly – it was photographed with a $20 borescope (I already had professional…

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Picked up 3 high school teachers last night. History, English and chemistry. Upon learning that I was born and raised in USSR, history teacher asked me with a…

Lyft pickup 32 minutes away

Long Pickups

I always make sure to use a middle finger to deny Lyft requests like this one. Lyft doesn’t pay extra for long pickups, so nope Dominick, I won’t…

Nokian, what the hell happened to your QA?!

I used to love Nokian tires. Still think that their Hakkapeliitta series are fantastic, but today’s case in point is Entyre 2.0, Nokian’s LRR offering. Today I jacked…

Passenger: “I’ll be right out!”

Heavenly Creature

Last night I was the only driver working a bar close in my neck of the woods; the rest got spooked offline by an unruly crowd from a…

Some Pickups…

Just had a no-show at the weirdest pickup location of the year. Imagine the street, with name and everything, attached to an inner bend of a highway turn…

How’s Your Week So Far?

Yesterday I kicked out a pimp with his two obnoxious whores. Today I had to call the cops on a pax who refused to leave. Lemme guess… tomorrow’s…

Lucky Strike

Our town has only 2 watering holes that are open past midnight: one is a biker bar and another one is a cartel shithole. Both are located on…

Obedience Training

Lyft was crazy busy last night, so I only had 1 Uber ride at the very end of my “shift”. Four dudes that were extremely drunk+stoned and absolutely…

Saturday Night Fairytale

– Good evening Happy! – Good evening Snow White! – Good evening Sleepy! – Good evening Snow White! – Good evening Doc! – Good evening Snow White! –…

“I couldn’t do it”

Had 4 drunk cops (out of uniform) in my car last night. The entire ride they were telling me that this gig is crazy and the drivers are…

Confirmed: Uber steals tips. Well, kinda…

We have a lot of new pax in my town, so at least 2-3 times per “shift” I have to explain how to rate, tip, add a stop……

Hugging Goodbye

If you see someone hugging a long goodbye as you approach the pickup spot, park a few yards away, don’t pull up close. …There’s a very good chance…

Sticky Surge: A Perfect Experiment

Picked up a neighbor from his home, dropped off at a grocery store nearby. He wanted to add a stop to make it a roundtrip, but I told…

Disrespectful pax at pickup, proper response

Pax: What the fuck you think you’re doing, making me walk 50 feet to your car?! You: Oh, I’m so glad you said that!… Pax: (blank stare, system…

A Tale Of Two Ladies In Fur

Picked up two posh young ladies from a black tie event at the country club. Fur coats, diamonds, gold, you name it. Both immediately gave me attitude varying…

Ghost Rider

Got a ping shortly before midnight, knew the street name but the address looked unfamiliar. Well, Google Maps to the rescue!… Wait, a car wash? At midnight? Nope,…

Natural selection will favor girls who’s face looks attractive while lit from below

…cuz, you know, smartphones.

Spiritual Friday

Drove a guy named Buddha to a Christian school. Minutes later, dude named Jesus took an Uber to the strip club. Few more rides, and finally got a…

You Forgot Something…

Just got another 1-star along with a “service quality” flag. Totally worth it. Picked up three 20-ish old girls from the bar. As it usually happens with girls…

New Scam?

All evening long: Ping from one of many apartment buildings that are popular among local students I arrive at the pin Pax’s live location is on and indicates…

Small Town Pet Peeves

Group of 3 gets in your car. During their short trip, all 3 prove themselves as total assholes, just shy of “get the fuck out of my car”…

Slippery When Racist

Floor mats in my Prius are plastic, bucket style. Sometimes, very rarely, pax’s feet slip on them while getting out of the car… despite said mats being clean,…

“I Only Have Hundreds!”

Drunk pax searching his pockets late at night. “I’ll have to tip you on the app, I only have hundreds on me!” – Okay, whatever. After he left,…

Already had 2 of these; expecting more with the flu season…

– Achoo! ACHOO! – Cover up when you sneeze, please. – You’re an Uber driver, you don’t get to tell me what to do! – Your ride is…

To make a convincing android, one must have a really good 3d map of a particular human…

…along with all the data pertaining to how this person moves and talks. So there’s a good chance that first Terminators will look exactly like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or…

Hulks

Last night in the sticks was the most violent one of my entire Uber “career”. It was super slow until most bars closed, then suddenly all competition went…

Germaphobic LPT for the flu season

If you want to minimize your risk of catching a bug from your pax, turn on the fan in your car’s HVAC system (AC & heat to taste),…

“I Am Here”

“I am here” is a pax’s equivalent of “I am Groot”

Another Conspiracy Theory

That earnings “glitch” led to a substantial reduction of market saturation here, much less drivers are on the road… despite a really nice quest. What if Uber wanted…

“I get car sick in a back seat!”

Oh really? Then I especially don’t want you riding shotgun. Abso-fuckin’-lutely. Back seat is equipped with seat covers, kick mats and bucket style floor mat. It’s a kill…

Really Shitty Linguistics

Any new field adds something to my vocabulary. With Uber, I haven’t discovered any new words in a very long time. Then, thanks to the Uber online community,…

To pax that reportedly “felt uncomfortable with phone use on a recent trip”

Uber and Google Maps are the apps. Apps are in my phone. Phone is in a holder. Holder is in my car that’s transporting your ass from A…

Insurance: Shop Around!

After a few close calls I’ve decided to upgrade my insurance policy. I wanted everything – TNC endorsement, medical, collateral, collision, kitchen sink, you name it. First step:…

Why You Shouldn’t Pick Up Low Rated Pax After Dark

Perfect case in point. Yesterday was a very slow day, so I picked up the same 4.72 twice – once during the day, once later at night. The…

Dry Spells

Keep an eye on current driver invite incentives. It will let you predict many dry spells quite accurately. Why? Well, most of the drivers are pretty dim (and…

This is what privilege looks like

Exhibit A: a cluster of very rich gated communities. I have no idea how they got this never-surge deal with Uber, but good luck getting anyone to accept…

Uber BSG

Today, for no particular reason at all, I’ve got various Battlestar Galactica tunes playing in my head… so sometimes I’ve been humming them while in my car alone….

Thanks Marcy!

Two college age girls hop into my car, wearing nothing but bikinis. They are barefoot; one has a phone (she ordered the ride), while another is carrying a…

“Tip Him Twenty!”

Pick up at the mansion on a scenic lakeshore. A guy comes out chewing on a huge cigar, tosses a few suitcases on a pavement and tells me…

Oh Fuck!

Pax, a young couple, were already waiting when I arrived. As they hopped in, I’ve started the ride and immediately noticed that their destination was a local hospital’s…

Consecutive odd numbers separated by 1? Ask your calendar: 31 and 1.

It’s Raining Men!

Suddenly it rained at least 3 inches in less than 10 seconds. Ever found yourself aquaplaning into a concrete wall, sideways, at 70 mph?… Me neither, until today….

Staging In Undesirable Locations

If undesirable pickup locations in your area are far apart, your best bet at avoiding such pickups would be using these locations for staging… then denying all 1-minute…

There Are Patterns In The Randomness And Randomness In The Patterns

How do we analyze a black box? Well, first we have to know what comes in and what comes out. What comes in in case of ridesharing companies?…

It’s Getting Hot…

Shorts-and-sandals season is here, and so is the AC. Top vents only – legs are too hot. Bottom vents only – head is too hot. Top and bottom…

Driving a stick shift is like coding in assembly language

…If you don’t know what you’re doing, the fail will be spectacular.

Finally Got Him

Hi Jeff, I was hoping to see you again. Remember me? You took at least 3 rides in my car, all of them long ones. (speeding down a…